Before we get to the nitty gritty of this soulless, lackluster and remarkably unfunny movie (wait, that may actually BE the nitty gritty of "Four Christmases," but please, do read on), let's stop and take a moment to mourn the passing of Vince Vaughn's neck.

Please, bow your heads.

Thank you.

Amen.

Vince Vaughn's recent expansion into fat guy-with-hot chick territory is a sad and unexpected loss, as I always thought, man, if that guy can look hot in a turtleneck WHILE licking the walls as Norman Bates, well, that's a whole lotta something. But I suspect, after committing to the festering pile that is "Four Christmases," he needed some way to assuage his pain, and apparently that was a bottomless pit of Big Macs and fried dough.

This is not to say that Vaughn and the always lovably perky Reese Witherspoon didn't try their level bests to rise above the material. The beginning of the movie, which kicks things off with a meet-cute-moment-that-isn't, actually suggests a level of naughty fun to which the film never again even aspires. In fact, the caliber of the cast makes the mediocrity of the finished product even harder to fathom. Mary Steenburgen? Robert Duvall? Sissy Spacek? Jon Voight? Was it really between this and a digestive health yogurt commercial or what?

All this noble talent is put to work on the storyline you've probably already sussed out from watching the trailer. Cute couple with no interest in kids or marriage is forced to visit their divorced parents and then, lo and behold, are convinced of the sanctity of marriage and bliss of procreating by vomiting babies and Spam casserole. Nope, not making up the Spam casserole.

It's predictable, sure. But what Hollywood movie isn't? Where "Four Christmases" fails is in the details. "The King of Kong" director Seth Gordon makes the mistake of, yet again, putting too much faith in a flawed hero, namely Vaughn. Yes, the guy is a natural born cut-up. He can riff with the best of them. But stick him in a shlocky romantic comedy and the guy seizes up like a salted snail. Scenes between Witherspoon and Vaughn that are clearly improvised (or God, we certainly hope so, because otherwise the team of writers on this thing should have their WGA cards revoked) meander so agonizingly you can tell it's all either star can do not to reach out and grab the camera lens, shrieking, "YELL CUT ALREADY, YOU BASTARD!"

The movie reaches for the kind of outlandish, wild-eyed humor of a Judd Apatow movie, but weighs down the two main characters with a level of nicey-nice self-awareness that, instead of rendering either one sympathetic, only succeeds in making them dull. The outrageous family members are either hateful (Tim McGraw and Jon Favreau's violent wrestlers, Kristin Chenoweth's competitive sister) or blandly misunderstood (warm and fuzzy parents Voight, Steenburgen and Spacek). If a bomb had blown up in the middle of the film, killing every other character and mangling the rest, the Proverbial They would have given the director kudos for going a different direction and skipped out of the theater, pausing only to comment on how wildly distracting Vaughn's gut is when shot from a low angle and shrouded in a Hawaiian shirt.

There are, surely, far worse Christmas movies out there, and some people may enjoy the bitter irony of watching Vince Vaughn make fun of Reese Witherspoon for once being a tubby kid (pot, meet kettle and seriously, smack one of the screenwriters for leaving that in when you showed up on set 50 pounds over your fighting weight). But if that's simply not enough fun for you, just skip this one.

PROVERBIAL THEY SAYS: Skip it. Seriously. Just run. Give your ticket to a homeless guy or something.

The answer to that question is complicated and far too involved to answer here. Let's suffice it to say that They know their shit. They so know it.  And you don't have to agree with Them, but They hopes you will learn to respect their wisdom in all things pop culture-related, which, honestly, are completely subjective anyway and who the fuck knows what's good and what's not, because really, time will tell. And all They knows is that They really liked "The Breakfast Club" when They were teenagers, and now recognizes it for the steaming pile of shit it really is, so hey, you change, you grow, but They likes to think They are always right regardless. And They can be irritable and cross and spew quite a bit of venom, but  honestly hope that you will realize that, underneath it all, They have a marshmallow heart that is only partially rotten.